Monday, May 17, 2004
Hello everyone...this is Josh
Hi everyone.
  I am the Josh that Stephine spoke so much about.  She told me a while back that she had this blog, and a friend of mine who was there when she said it took it upon himself to try to find it, which he did.  I never looked at it though, because even though it is on the internet and exposed to the world, I kinda considered it a personal thing, like a journal or a diary, and I didn't want to know her personal thoughts unless she wanted to tell me them directly.  I know, I probably could have done a lot better job as a boyfriend had I done that, but I just didn't feel right doing it.  It seemed to disrespect her privacy.
  Well, today I went to my friend and asked him if he would tell me this blog's address.  He did, and I have logged on here as her.  (She mentioned her password a while ago).
  I'm so sorry to have to be the one to tell you all this.  Last Friday, May 14th, 2004, on her way back to her home town after staying overnight with me in mine, our Stephie left this life after a car crash on the state highway connecting our cities.
  I want to tell you all a little about me from my perspective, something Steph didn't even know all that well, although I know she sensed it.  I had been extremely hurt in a relationship before the one I had with Steph.  I pined and pined for this person that really didn't even care about me at all.  I had a lot of anger toward the world, and didn't understand how the person I thought I was always meant to be with could have left me the way she did.  We were almost ready to get married.  For months my performance at school and work plummeted.  I almost flunked out of the school I had spent so much time working toward a degree at and I even lost my rare high-paying job.  I KNEW the whole time that this other girl was bad news.  Heck, I even felt when we were together that she was so self-centered and just plain snaughty.  I knew she wasn't the one logically, but for some reason, my subconsious must have thought she matched the ideal profile or something, because I just couldn't get over it.  I was jaded, and I started to think the love that I had once so strongly invested in toward this other person had really turned out to be a big sham.  I felt used and crushed.  My life felt worthless, and I felt like ending it all.
  Then, along came the most beautiful spirit I have ever known in this world...my Stephie.  At first, I just kept waiting for something to go wrong between us...it was a feeling I struggled to let go of for all the time we were together.  Yet, even when it looked bleak, she was so patient.  She didn't ever once get all flustered or give up.  She just kept gently suggesting, with all her loving happiness and patience, how much she like to be with me.
  I am so guilty of not opening up more to her.  I was so self-centered and closed down.  I wanted so much to feel real, full love again, believe me, I really did.  For some reason, my heart was still broken.  Over time though, Steph started to get through to me.  She really cared about me, all her friends, her mom and everyone she came in contact with in this world.  Her caring was so honest and genuine, not at all motivated by a hidden agenda, and was so real.
  I knew any day now, I could open the gates I had so strongly constructed around my heart, and let it come flooding in.  I was so very close to telling her how much she really really mattered to me, and how much I loved her.  I so much wanted to believe in love again, and just give back as much as she had given to me.
  God, it seems, had a different plan.  I was talking to Steph's good friend Lindsey about this...why is it that when we seem to finally have things in this world worked out, and it seems like we're finally getting back on track, life throws us another tidal wave that knocks us down again?
  It never really gets through how much you have until it is gone.
  The last night she was with me, I took her up to a big tall mountain between our towns.  It's a butte by definition, actually.  We sat in my car, wrapped in a sleeping bag, listening to radio stations from near and far.  It is so far up, we could hear stations from all corners of the state!  We listened to an edition of Love Line with the guys from Wild Boys, Steve-O and Chris Pontius as guest hosts.  We had such a gheat time.  We went to my place afterward that night and headed for bed, as Steph had to leave early for work that morning.  It was around 2 am when we got to sleep.  Steph curled up next to me like a warm little spoon, like she always did. 
The alarm went all too soon the next morning.  We snoozed for about 15 minutes, until Steph was a little late, and then she hopped out of bed.  I headed for the door with her to walk her out.  For some reason, about halfway down the steps up to my apartment, she turned, smiled, and waved, and said "goodbye sweety" in such a strange way.  She seemed very relaxed and matter of fact, not as if she was in a hurry, but as if she was the calmest she had ever been.  It actually struck me as a little different.  I said "bye bye hun" as I closed my door and thought to myself "that felt a little strange".  Without even thinking, I went back to bed.  This was about 6:35 AM. 
  Sometime around 8:30, I seem to remember getting a call on my phone from Steph, saying "I just wanted to say I made it okay hun.  You get back to sleep."  Later, around 10:30, I got a call from a friend of mine, Matt.  He is a fire fighter and EMT both here and in Steph's town.  He said there had been an accident on the highway, and he had heard there was a blue Ford Focus involved, the same car Steph had.  I told him "Nope.  She talked to me about 2 hours ago and told me she was okay and had made it."  "Good," he said, "I'm glad.  I was really worried there."
  I nodded my head back down, and started to fall back asleep.  My eyes poked open again about 10 minutes later, and I had this insatiable curiosity to go see if Steph was online, as she usually was from her work computer.  I was suprised not to find her on.  Next, I called her cell phone, which went to voice mail immediately; again strange.  I decided to call her office and talk to her directly and wish her a happy day.  Instead of hearing her cute voice all professional-like, someone else answered.  It was 11:15 or so by now, and the lady said Steph hadn't showed up for work, and that they were frantically trying to find out why.  I talked to her father, who runs the business, and told him about the wreck I heard about.  He said "that must have been what happened to her."  I didn't want to entertain the possibility, but I started to get a little nervous.  I told him where it was, and he said "I'll meet you out there."  On the way, I called all my friends, but to no avail.  Not one answered, not even Matt, the guy who had told me about this.  I called my mom, and told her there was a possibility something had happened to Steph.  She said she'd call the State Patrol and get back to me.  I said "okay", and kept driving.  I was starting to get sick and light-headed thinking about it.  A few minutes later the phone rang and it scared the hell out of me.  The caller ID said it was my mom.  I didn't want to touch it, but I knew I had to.  "Hi mom," I said, as I hesitantly opened the phone.  "Honey, pull over," she said.  I was instantly in another world.  I didn't know what to think.  My emotions went numb.  I seemed to be floating.  "Stephanie is no longer with us," my mom said, while crying.  I stumbled out "thanks mom, I've gotta let you go."  She knew I couldn't talk if I wanted to, and said she'd be there, and to take a minute and call when I was ready.
  Later, I met with her friends and family.  They opened up to me, just as I did to them.  They shared things so very deep to them, and I did too.  I was taken aback.  I was shocked at my stupidity earlier.  The whole time, there were loving, caring people right there, and I had been so closed down to letting them into my heart.  Most of all, I kept Steph at arm's length so many times.
  I was such a fool.  I don't know what I was so scared of.  I also got the crazy idea in my head a long time ago from some "dating expert" that you had to let someone persue the other a little in a relationship, or the fire would die out.  This may be partially true, but I so wish I could have been a persuer a little more myself.
  I will always live in regret.  I can't help but wonder if I kept her out too late the night before and she fell asleep on the road, or if she had been putting on makeup or doing her hair for work and just lost concentration on the road for a second or two, like the local news media has been making it out to sound like.  Most of all, I regret never telling her how much she meant to me.  She did so much for me.  Just reading the last couple blog entries has me in tears.  I loved her.  I just never got a chance to really tell her.  I was waiting for the right time, but now it will never come.
  However, this whole event has already taught me one thing.  I always wondered why it was taking me so long to get my heart in gear.  Why wouldn't it work?  I didn't know.  I wanted to fell strong love, I really did.  Now that all this has happened, I have seen a few things much more clearly.  One of my fears was not that I wasn't ready to accept Hunter and Steph into my life and make a family.  The real issue was that I wasn't sure if I could ever live up to the extremely great example Steph set with hunter.  She was such an incredibly good mother; so full of love and so giving.  I had never seen anyone like her as a parent, and it blew me away.  Steph herself was raised right, and for that the credit goes to her wonderful mom, Jennifer.
  Also, I think that I though she was too good for me.  The more I look at it, the more I think I was worried that I didn't DESERVE the kind of awesome love Steph gave.  How incredibly stupid of me!!!!  And now that I really think about it, how incredibly selfish!!  If I would have only given it a chance, and opened up a little more each day, we would have been a family already!
  God works in mysterious ways though.  In talking more with Lindsey, she told me she had a rough period in her life before she met Steph too.  Steph seems to have come into many people's lives who had lost hope and given up on love, and with her happy, bouncy, giggly, smiling self transformed them.  She convinced Lindsay and I that love is real, and worthwhile, and that we deserve it.  What a gift.  I'd say the most beautiful gift imaginable.
  Personally, I believe that life is like a school.  We come here to learn certain lessons that we need to grow and become better.  We are truly not humans having a spiritual experience now and then, but spirits having a human experience.  When you look at all the lessons we need to learn, again and again, you see one thing.  I think the only real reason we are here, and the only real thing we are sent here to learn is how to LOVE each other.  We are an expression of God, and God is love.  We each carry God in us.  How much we share it with others will determine what we learn.  I think Stephanie was a spirit much much greater than I'll ever know until I see her again on the other side.  She was so radiant and so beautiful.  I miss her so much, but I know she's here, with me and all of us when we need her.  I felt so lonely and cold the last few nights when I crawled into bed at my mom's house.  I didn't want to go back home...didn't want to have to cross that place on the highway, and go back to an apartment that was so lonely and so dark now without Steph's light.  I was so scared, because for the last few days, I haven't been able to sleep, thinking of the wreck, and what it must have been like.  Then I stopped and got ahold of my grief.  I asked God for something.  I said "please God, let Stephanie come and be with me here tonight.  Please let her come back and cuddle with me the way she always did.  Please lord."  Then I cried out in my mind "Stephanie, honey, I love you.  Please come and sleep next to me tonight!"  As I walked into the bedroom at my mom's house, I was apprehensive, but of course curious.  I looked in at the empty bed, then at some pictures of me and my family hanging on the wall.  My head was turned away from the bed, when, and I swear this to God, I heard the bed creak.  Ever so softly, yet I KNEW it had happened.  I was a little frightened, but then I smiled with tears running down my face, hoping my Stephanie was right there, in front of me, smiling right back.  I knew she was.  My fear went away, and for the first time, I had a good night's sleep.
  The next morning it got worse though, as I waited to feel something as soon as I opened my eyes, but didn't feel anything strongly.  I was still so emotionally exhausted from the days before spent teary-eyed, and trying to get my thoughts in order.  I felt guilty for not feeling the intense sorrow that I had the days before.  I guess this is just part of the process though.  I will continue to try to heal.
  Her wonderful son Hunter is now in the hands of his father, whom I'm told is devestated.  I'm sure Hunter will bring out the best in him too, as he discovers what's really important in this world.  he's got a lot on his hands now, and I hope to meet him at the memorial service we have for Steph this Wednesday.
  Some of Steph's friends and family have gone to the site of where she left us, and have placed a cross next to the highway.  I put roses on it this afternoon. I just couldn't stand, and fell over in the gravel next to the highway.  A state trooper stopped and asked me if I was okay, and I shook my head, but I just couldn't talk.  There was a lump in my throat the size of Texas.  "She was yours wasn't she?" he asked.  I nodded yes.  "I know the trooper that was here 20 seconds after the crash," he said, "she had no pulse when he got here."  I felt slightly relieved to know that my beautiful girl hadn't suffered.
  Over the last few days, it has been hard to fight off the same feelings of guilt, anger and hoplessness that I suffered so long through in my last relationship.  I learned a big lesson though.  You cannot let those terrible feelings consume you.  It doesn't do anything good for your life, and it leaves you bitter, distrustfull and cold.  Most of all though, the one reason I won't let myself do that again, is because Stephanie wouldn't want it that way.  She would never ever wish anything bad on anyone.  In all our time together, I never once saw her angry...ever.  She was an inspiration and a model to everyone she touched.  I promised her that I would not let myself feel guilty or hopeless or depressed, because I knew she wouldn't want it.
  I talked to a Catholic sister today.  I said "sister, I want to learn to be like Stephanie.  I think she was what God wanted us to be like."  She said "don't try to be just like Stephanie, because God created us all differently and unique.  Try to be the best YOU you can be for the world.  I suspect that is a lot like her, but it is still uniquely Josh too."  I will.  I promise.
  I love you Stephanie.  We shared some amazing times.  I'm so honored that you came into my life, and gave me a chance dispite my closed down heart.  I'm so sorry I couldn't open it more.  Thank you so much baby for touching my life and my friend's life.  I will never ever forget your beautiful smile or your cute giggle when I would tickle you.  Please look out for me up there, and let me feel your love.  Goodbye my beautiful and wonderful baby.  Goodbye.

-Love your Josh, forever more.




If you'd like to mail me, feel free.  I'd love to hear from all the internet friends Steph always talked about.  My address is:  dewinter@wsunix.wsu.edu

P.S. ->  There have been comments that perhaps people don't want to believe this has happened.  Believe me, I couldn't sympathize more.  Noone wants her back more than I do.  You can read more about it in Steph's local paper, at www.spokesmanreview.com.  On the left hand column, go to "NEWS" and click on "Full story list".  Click on May 15th on the little calendar, and search for "Head-on collision kills one".  Unfortunately, this paper requires you to register to view old stories, so you'll need to do that first.  I hope everyone feels free to email me or comment here.  Steph often spoke of her internet buds very fondly.  I know we'll all miss her deeply.



Posted at 9:49 pm by Stepherific
Comments (23)

Monday, May 10, 2004
Mullets. yorp.
Well! I haven't been writing this week! what the hell.
my birthday went off nicely...and i am 21 now.
*blink*
well...that was fun. i think i'll go back to my life now.
no i'm kidding..i am ALL about going out and doing stuff, but  MAN i would so much rather just sit at home with josh and sqeal when he tickles me and just...hang out with him. i think he would rather do that too. So i'm not saying i wont be going out at all....what kind of self-respecting 21 year old would i be if i didnt?? BUT. not that much.

soooo hmmmm what's been going on. well....next week is our little getaway to the resort on the lake. yay! dressy uppie in my little black outfit with the (drum roll please)
SASSY SHOES!!!!
yay! he finally gets to see them!
i'm pretty excited.



Fuck i hate mullets.
grrrrr.


Posted at 1:02 pm by Stepherific
Comments (2)

Monday, May 03, 2004
typing on the flat ass keyboard of a laptop...what fun
alrighty...the day approaches. i turn 21 tonight at midnight. Tomorrow should be very interesting. a curious thing happened this weekend. i hung out with my friend conor.and met his brother for the first time. Derek is really cool, and there was definite..um....flirting coming my way i think. or maybe not flirting, really, but more like..i could tell an interest had been taken. does that make sense? we all went camping, and there was alot of opportunity for stephanie to be Bad Stephanie. I'll admit it, i'm attracted to him. He's a totally awesome guy, but im just retarded for josh, and no matter how unhappy i may think i am sometimes, i do think alot of it is in my head, and i just am scared more than i should be. But i do NOT want to lose him, and i dont want to leave him, and i just...well,just i WANT him. we had issues this weekend, but in the end, josh came up here as sort of a surprise. he just called when he was in town. we had had an interesting....tiff, almost, on the phone, earlier in the day, about how we had soert of made plans to hang out on sunday, then he kinda...forgot about it, or became too busy, which made me pretty sad, seeing as how we JUST had this conversation regarding that kinda thing.so we have this serious phone talk, wherein i basically gave him a bit (tiny)of an ultimatum...."decide what you want to do..if you want to be reliable, and actually make me a somewhat priority, then let me know,. if you want to step back from the relationship..and take it down a notch. let me know. cause i cant be in limbo." we got off the phone in a bad kinda way, him saying he had some stuff to think about, and was going to call me back later, then a few hours later, im in a movie with my mom and he calls me. hes in town. and i get to decide what we are going to do. a little part of me thought he was just coming into town to tell me that he had indeed thought it over and wanted to end what we have, but it soon became apparent that was not the case. thank god. i took it as a sign that he does want to make an effort, and we had a really good time. This morning i was sitting there, late for work, on the edge of my bed and i was holding his hand. he was half asleep but wanted me to snuggle with him more, and i just couldnt get up. i wanted to stay with him in bed like that all day...and i just. didnt care about anything else at that moment except being there with him. who cares of some people think i should be moving on and deserve soemone who thinks the world of me. well...i think he does. well not yet, but......i think he could . and im not going to give up on that.


Posted at 2:44 pm by Stepherific
Comments (2)

Friday, April 30, 2004
friday blues
Ugh. Boring "personal" entry...amusing stephanie has left the building.

So here's the plan for the weekend.
Tonight...i'm not going to see Josh....cause of course, its friday, so it's against the law for me to see him unless i go down there. (not that i mind that, i LOVE it!) but to have Josh in my town on a friday night is really unheard of.

But tomorrow i have to meet my friend Rickie at ten. So that's a no go. anyway, he's probably trying to hang out with his buddies tonight anyway.
So. That takes care of tonight.
Tomorrow....well..here's the normal routine(that im sure will continue even AFTER our conversation and all of the sharing and talking of last week)

Josh is busy with his friends all day saturday, then says he will be in town later on saturday night, then he shows up at four in the morning. i am of course, up and waiting, cause he told me he'd be leaving around 11....so...theres THAT.he gets there, We go to sleep, cuase he is very tired, and then he sleeps in till 2. Then we go hang out with Bill (his best friend who lives here too) all day sunday, or at least until it's time for josh to go home.

Not that i mind, but.....well..sleeping isn't exactly...what i'd call . Quality time.

Or i go down there, where we have a blast and get to spend a decent amount of time doing nothing and still having fun.

Soooo....i have been invited to go camping on Saturday night, with my friend Conor and a few of his friends.
Sooo....does that mean i dont get to see Josh at all this weekend?


He kinda did a wierd thing last week.
He was supposed to go out of town all weekend, to the coast to see one of their friends.
So this is all coming after this huge talk we have about how sometimes i dont feel that important to him, like...well i sort of know i am, but he doesnt really try to make me feel that way. i think he's getting comfortable or something. who knows, guys are wierd.
So this is actually the first weekend that we dont get to hang out. whatever.
BUT.....on the thursday before he left, he ASKED ME if he could see me on friday, before they left. This made me feel ......GREAT! Wanted! like a real girlfriend should!!!!

So i'm all excited that he was the one to suggest something and not me.
And that he obviously got the message earlier in the week after our talk, and was trying to make a little effort to make me feel like he WANTED to see me.

So the next day i get a phoine call from him on the way to work...
he cant come see me on friday, cause BIll wants to leave at around 430pm.....so thats that.
Well, im not going to say this didnt bum me out, cause it did. But i was like..well...maybe hell call me and i can at least see him for a few minutes before they leave..or SOMETHING.
Oh, and also the plan was that he would call when they got back into town and maybe come over to see me Sunday night.
So.....i call him around 4:30, to ask him kind of a non-related to anything question..about some TV or something....and he's sleeping. At home. The all important time to leave is upon him...and he's not even awake.
So im a little preturbed, cause the reason he couldnt come see me was SO important that they leave....and hes not even leaving.
So....i wish him a happy weekend, and that's the last i hear from Josh till Sunday.
Sunday night he calls, im not really expecting it, because i have come to not really count on him when he's with his friends.
crappy way to live, but you have to take the sour with the sweet.
So he comes over, i am very happy that i get to see him. i had no idea how much i would miss him that weekend!!!
he gets there...and i ask him how his trip went. He says..ohhh yeah..well i didnt even GO!
My car broke down on friday, and then i spent all day on saturday fixing it, then i came up here on saturday night, then today Bill and i spent all day digging a trench.

I'm like..oh.
Soooo.....couldnt call me and see if maybe we could hang out for SOME part of the weekend>? like an hour?oh wait...your here right now, but your tired and want to go straight to sleep.
So i was like....so how come you didnt call me, you turd? hes like" oh i was wondering why i wasnt hearing from YOU! :-)
i said..well you were out of town...so...
Ugh.
It just makes me feel like he took the opportunity to be "out of town" as an excuse to not have to see me when he was up here.
If thats the way it is, then what are we even doing?
ugh. im just in a bad mood i think. I have the most....wonderful boyfriend when i am in Pullman, or he is here (sometimes) but all the rest of the time, i dont feel like i have one, or that i am shasing him a bit. i HATE feeling like that.
damnit.
make me feel special. i try to make you feel special..like crazy!
you KNOW how i feel about you. i have no clue!
grrrrr make me feel important damnit. or let me go. i want to feel safe in something. not like im walking a damn tightrope.

god im so glad its friday. here we go in another weekend of wondering.


Posted at 4:40 pm by Stepherific
Comments (1)

Thursday, April 29, 2004
*happy*
*i am so happy with him its disgusting*
I went to Pullman last night, and had a FABULOUS time with my hunny. I told him what happned...he understood, said he had a feeling that would happen.
He knew braxston would come a'runnin on back. So it's all good. i assured him that it doesnt mean anything to me, and i would NEVER do anything with him, that is SO in the past. PAST> PAST>and he was fine. he understands that i was just..wierded out.
im glad i told him about it.


i just...i love him, i think.


Posted at 11:16 am by Stepherific
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Wednesday, April 28, 2004
Wierd.
My Strange Evening.
The Strange Evening.
How Braxston's boxer shorts ended up on my bedroom floor.
Drunken Passes.


These are all potential titles for today's entry...but i think i'll just go with .....wierd.

Last night, i went to Hunter's dad's house, to see his new apartment, and drop off a few of Hunter's interesting...shiny....Nike/Fubu/some other wierd gangsta-wannabe crap/shorts hanging down to his feet and jerseys**JERSEYS!!!**/outfits that brax gets for him, that somehow ended up in my laundry 
(i dont know HOW cause he is like a little surfer/skater-cute-boy when he's with ME!).
  
He dresses Hunter up like he's gonna go off to film a rap video with Jay-Z or something...yeah.....
right after daycare and his nap. Jay-Z better be packin some fruit snacks along with his blingedy bling-bling, or he'll have a VERY unhappy camper on his hands.

So i go over there, make the inspection, it actually IS a pretty nice little place,and he invites me to have a few drinks with them (his friend Jonas was there too).
I have nothing else to do, soooo.....

I have a few drinks. I have not eaten much.
I proceed to get drunk.

There is mild flirting coming from Braxston. This is Very Odd.

He keeps giving me......MEANINGFUL........looks.

Hmm.
So we play dominos..and i whoop up ON him with a FURY!
We all get a bit soused, and sometime i bring up the idea....that we should all go to my house and jump in the hottub. Wouldnt that be fun.
"You gonna go topless?"
"ummm.....no. Use your memory,retard."

We go to my house. i change into my swimsuit, and a pair of knock-around sweats.....god i love those sweats. Sooooo comfy.
Anyway, as we are all going up the stairs to get to the hottub, braxston depants's me!!!
What is THIS! of course..im totally wearing my swimming bottoms underneath, but STILL!

So we get into the hottub. The ENTIRE time...braxston is trying to touch me.brushing his feet up against my buns...trying to get me to give him a hug....and for some reason.. i do.
then he tries to kiss me. THAT does not fly.

I have told him..
time and time again....

"c'mon...take off your top...WE'RE topless!!"
"of course you are....you wouldnt fill out a bikini-top well."
"you do"
"yes, and the beling to SOMEONE ELSE!! i HAVE a BOYFRIEND!!!"

This phrase was uttered at LEAST 50 times during the hour and a half of being in the tub.
"give me a kiss"
"i HAVE a boyfriend!!"

"Let me give you a backrub."
"No."
"Then give ME a backrub!!"
"NO!!"
"Why...."
"I HAVE a fucking BOYFRIEND you dumbass!! Unlike OTHER people in this Hottub...i AM faithful!!!!!"

I really don't think Josh, the man i am TOTALLY ga-ga about..would appreciate me giving a service,  regularly provided to my sweet hunny and ONLY my sweet hunny, to another guy.....especially The Braxston.
And i just dont want to touch him anyway. That is wierd.

So.....we all get out.
I fix celery and peanut butter for Jonas. Never pegged him for being the type for celery and peanut butter, but whatever. It must have sounded good.
I am changing back into my sweats and Braxston comes into my room.....strips down his boxers..and i see a Glimpse. Yuck.

He just...gets naked...and i head out of my room at this point. This is just tooo  odd.
That's how his boxers ended up on my floor. They are still there. I think i need to get Haz-Mat in there to take them away.

I take them back to Braxston's apartment.
He asks if i want to come in and chill for a bit.
**this is the part where my little *Danger Will Robinson* alarm SHOULD have sounded. Maybe it WAS going off, but my silly little drunken ears couldnt be found.
I dont know.
So i go in, and Jonas immediatly heads to the X-box....and Braxston heads into his room. And he asks me to go in there for a minute. Braxston is laying on Hunter's bed. He says...."c'mover here, steph"
Drunken(but not TOO drunk) Me goes over and sits on the bed. He asks me to lay down. i Refuse. He asks again. I start to feel sick. I lay down....sort of crunching his arm, but there's no real body contact at this point.
he talks to me a bit....asking me to turn around, give him a hug. i give him ONE hug..and he asks for a kiss. We go through the whole exhausting boyfirend conversation....again...but i hold my ground. He is sort of....petting my head. Like...stroking my hair. THe moment is getting wierd. I have the spins like CRAZY.

There is NO WAY i am fucking up what i have with Josh (which is oh so sweet), over BRAXSTON. you've got to be kidding me!
Just because Jade left him....and now he's lonely.....he's coming back to familiar ground.
Not Bloody Likey, Sir!!!
So i sit up again, because i fear him actually attempting a kiss. and this would NOT be something i would want to experience.
He says....that he misses me sometimes.
This is something i never expected to hear out of his mouth.
I say "no you dont" and he says, " you dont have to believe me for it to still be true. i do."

So that's about when i say....i have to go home. And i leave.
I go home.....and sleep.
And dream of people stealing my stereo out of my car.
This morning i woke up and really expected it to be gone.


Now the real question. Josh just voiced his concern last week, during an indepth conversation about our relationship, and any problems that lie in it....that he is sort of ...fearful that one day, Braxston will try and (well, do exactly what he tried to do last night, really) sort of...rekindle...what he once had.  I reassured him a million times over that it will NEVER happen...god i wish i could TRULY just....make him believe that. I understand the fear in it, though...but GOD i would NEVER trade Josh in for BRAXSTON!!!
He's.....god.Josh is just. He's so...like home to me.
I'm not going to turn from my Home-feeling, back to Empty-feeling. no.No No No No no. Josh is...great. he actually makes me HAPPY....a concept that my relationship with Braxston never came close to.

So do i tell Josh what happened? i dont like keeping stuff from him..but i dont want him to worry either...Oh...puffinstuff.......i just dont know.

I need some honey toast.











Posted at 9:44 am by Stepherific
Comments (4)

Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Sneaky Pants Strikes Again!!!
I am so the super sneaky-pants-magoo today.

To make a super secret-pants trip down to Pullman tomorrow night..AND not have to wake up at the super-grumpy-pants crack of dawn, i am propagating a large...fib.

It is a thing of theatrical beauty, my fib is!

The key to pulling off a really good fib at work is not telling anyone about it.
yikes.
This is the step that I have the hardest time with.. I work with Lindsay. Lindsay is one of my best friends. This cannot even be mentioned to Lindsay...and thus...my challenge.

The plan:
I have a dentist appt. tonight at 4:40pm.
I am infamous for my body's aversion to those numbing shots....seriously..it takes like 20.

This is a fact, that i have previously announced to Debbie, the woman this whole facade is really for in the first place, as she is the HONEST and DRIVEN person who takes over for me when i'm gone.

She's really IS concerned about the company's well-being.

 so I come in tomorrow, and at some Random Point in the day, mention to her that they couldnt numb me up enough....thus....i have to go in EARLY on Thursday, and i wont be able to come in until around 10:30 am.....
THis of COURSE will go over wth Debbie, because she lives in the land of Official Stuff.

Official Stuff like appointments....are Officially Important. Not to be messed with, or doubted.
Yay.
Sooo.....i have just secured myself a few extra hours of canoodling with my Jorshie.
Double Yay.

I drive down to Pullman tomorrow night....under the cover of darkness, of course... to add to the sneaky-pants factor

Then......the next morning, take my sweet time getting here.....and i am happy.
So there.
I have planted all the seeds, and all they need to do is grow into beautiful fibbie flowers!!

All for like...an hour of super-sneaky-pants-sleeping in.




Posted at 12:56 pm by Stepherific
Comments (2)

Monday, April 26, 2004
Life with Heart, Lots of Celine, and those young men from the rear of the road.
ohhh hell has a name....and it is Hold Music.
You know, those jolly tunes that blare at you tinnily from the phone when you call a business and you have to be "connected" to someone.

Well, apperently, my fashaaa/boss'a man  has decided it's time for our little company to join in the legions of people who don't like to give their callers any happiness while holding.
ha. Not like I really care, so much, but it's fun to complain about!

Why must we fill every single moment of the day with sound(not great sound, if i may say so, either)?? i think holding on the line is semi...oh...relaxing, in a way. PLUS if there's music, i tend to think i'll be on hold for longer. who knows why, just do.
i know that being a receptionist who has to deal with disgruntled and somewhat unpleasant massage therapists all day, I wont mind leaving people on hold, now that WE have Gloria Estefan dribbling into their ears!
So i suppose i dont MIND that we got the hold music, except that the thing that has to PLAY the music for it to be HEARD while someone's on hold is in the office next door.
And the station is our "light mix of 90's hits". Nuff said, i think.

So as Celine Dion* tells me that her heart will go on, i scowl at the wall, unable to really drown out her beastly warbling because they must have attatched whatever it takes to broadcast that over the phone up to a damn SUB_WOOFER they stole from a CONCERT hall, cause it is LOUD. So loud.

So as i sit here TRYING to listen to a fantastic Fiona Apple song on my computer, i hear BackStreet Boys in the back(street)ground....

sorry guys.....i dont think i'l be showing you the meaning of being lonely. I dont KNOW if it's the feeling that you need to walk with (whatever THAT really means), and i doubt if i will be telling you why you can't be here where i am. There's definitely something missing, but i dont think it's in your heart.....little further north..like your brain.

damnit.




* not that there's anything wrong with her, persay, but that song......makes me want to tear off my ears and throw them into oncoming traffic on the freeway.




Posted at 12:10 pm by Stepherific
Comments (2)

nothin much
Full Weekend....maybe got a roomate!!he's actually kind of cute! but not nearly as cute as josh..and not cute enough to turn MY head from my hunny!! yipee. i turn 21 in 8 days....thats nuts.

Congratulations, Giggles!!!!! yayayayayayayaya


Posted at 8:39 am by Stepherific
Comments (3)

Friday, April 23, 2004
And I'll be HAPPY to see those nice young men in their clean white coats
Ok. If there were security camera's here...i would just have looked incredibly stupid..and no one would ever know why. Well, just in case there ARE..and i die tomorrow in a tragic hair drying accident....i would like to explain myself.

Dear Mr. Person Reviewing Hypothetical Surveillance Tape of the Front Office of Massage Magazine,

As you watch me, sitting at my desk, you may think you are observing someone in a deep Working Mode. In this, sir, you would be incorrect.
I know that i was just sitting there, and then out of the blue i did a two handed wave in the general direction of my computer. i don't usually wave, greet, or really communicate with my computer in any fashion. I know this would look ODD if i really WAS doing that. so i must explain.
  You see...i was just testing.
I was reading something about someone performing this "two-handed wave",*see quote at the bottom of this lovely letter.*  so...i tried it out.
I think there are many times in a day that thoughts may cross your mind, about how something would sound, or look like....such as the way a person might say something in a book, in a wierd way, or make a face (especially that one) and granted, you are all by yourself, but you just have to say(or do it) it outloud anyway.
I know i'm getting off the point, Mr.Person Reviewing Hypothetical Surveillance Tape of the Front Office of Massage Magazine, but i just realized what i did was sort of strange, and right after i seemingly...waved at my computer, i thought.. what if someone saw that.
They would definitely think i was a nut job.
Maybe i'm more of a nut job for writing this down then i was for testing out the wave in the first place.
This, i leave up to you. At least i expained myself.

Truly Yours,
Miss Stephanie at the Front Desk.


*From Television Without Pity's hilarious re-cap of the final episode of The Apprentice.
"We watch a lavender-sweatered Jessica walk up to the ballroom, and then Heidi, inside, spots her and runs over to greet her. Heidi seats Jessica at her autograph-signing table, and Jessica gives the idiot two-handed wave as she sits down. "

I bet after reading that even YOU wanted to try it out. Just a bit,eh?


Posted at 2:07 pm by Stepherific
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Blip Blop Bleep. This is my little blog.
Heres a bit'o(honey) bout me:

me likes: chocolate milk, inside jokes, warm socks, writing with a ball point pen,simple jokes, disgusting pornography, Jorsh playing with my hair ;-) , tofu, apples with peanut butter, James Spader movies, (give me a tissue im drooling) , tiny white panties, turning off my cell phone,leather, the color beige, and rocks.

me hates: Shriners, the dark,award shows, litterbugs, being startled, Peeps---those little marshmallow things in the shape of a rabbit, (actually, ANYTHING in the shape of a rabbit that is not ACTUALLY a rabbit bothers me) local commercials, berets, seeming clingy,unreliable people and plastic spoons scraping against styrofoam.


Here's my one joke forever. What did the Zero say to the Eight??



Nice Belt.
thats a killer, i know. HIGH-larious.

   
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